Fight for Me
by dawneh
Summary: Written entirely from Craig's POV  he returns from Dublin to claim back the love he let get away...
1. Chapter 1

Standing here I can only remember one other time that I felt so nervous, so excited and so terrified all at the same time. Only once before has my heart raced like this and that was because of him as well.

Back then I'd spent so long trying to ignore what I was feeling, trying to pretend that it wasn't real that I nearly drove myself insane. My mind was so filled with him that I ended up walking out of my exam. I know that that decision could have cost me dearly but at the time all I knew was that I had to get to him, I had to tell him before it was too late.

I'd stumbled over my words that day as I tried to explain how I felt but nothing I said came out right, finally I just showed him what I was trying to say and that kiss, as our lips touched, was so hesitant at first until we were both certain it was what we wanted and then all the passion and fire that I had been hiding exploded and I knew without a doubt that I wanted him more than anything.

Of course I messed it up. I still remember that look in his eyes when I called him a faggot, the pain glistening against the brightest blue, a pain that I've caused him so many times both before and after that day. Sometimes I wonder how he always forgave me; sometimes I wonder what I ever did to deserve that much love.

It's been eighteen months since I last stood in Chester. My mother begged me many times to come home. My sister phoned me on countless occasions pleading with me to visit. But it was always too soon. I hadn't been ready and I had to wait until I was, I couldn't afford to make any more mistakes.

It's been eighteen months since I last saw him. Eighteen months since he left me at the airport, since he told me that he loved me and then walked away. For a while I hated him for doing that to me but I hated him in a way you can only ever hate someone that you really love. I hated him for not being with me. I hated him for making me miss him so much. I hated him for being able to see what I couldn't.

One of the last things he ever said to me was that I didn't know who I was. It took me a long time to realise how right he was in that. I was so caught up in worrying "am I straight, am I gay" that I lost sight of what really mattered. I lost sight of him. I loved him and I wanted him and that should have been all I needed to know but when it came right down to it I was still afraid. I was afraid to be who I was and love who I loved and we both deserved better. He had the strength to walk away and although it killed me at the time in the end it made me as strong as he was. Strong enough to come back.

So little seemed to have changed as I walked back into The Dog in the Pond and the familiarity was a comfort to me. My room looked as if I had only left it that morning, despite Steph's desperation to convert it into a walk in wardrobe it had remained my room, and I think I always will, for as long as I need it, probably for longer than that knowing mum.

I smile at myself in the mirror one last time before I head downstairs. My heart is racing so fast that it amazes me it doesn't burst through my chest.

Standing here, with the door into the bar ever so slightly ajar, I can see the ebb and flow of customers as the evening crowds begin to drift in. I see many familiar faces and several new ones but I am waiting for that one, the one that I can't be without any longer.

When I first catch a glimpse of him my breath catches in my throat. He's smiling as he talks to someone that I can't quite see, but then I only have eyes for him. I hungrily devour every inch of his face with my gaze. I had forgotten just how beautiful he is. I'd forgotten the intensity inside those delicious blue eyes and the how his mouth curves softly and invitingly into that breathtaking smile. I thought that I knew how much I had missed him, how much I loved him but seeing him again magnified everything a hundred times.

For a second I almost forget myself and, as he turns to the bar I have to step back quickly so that he doesn't see me. I'm not ready for that yet. I need to calm myself. This time it has to be perfect I don't think I will get any more second chances.

He orders his drink and walks back into the centre of the room. I steady myself with a few deep breaths as I wipe the palms of my hands on my trousers; I hadn't noticed how sweaty they had become.

As I walk quietly, slowly, into the bar a few people smile at me and look as if they are about to stop me to talk but I keep moving. I have no time for anyone else, I don't care how they are or what they've been doing, and I have to get to him before I lose my nerve.

Standing behind him I feel so many things that I makes my head spin. I'm excited and afraid, hopeful and fearful, but mostly I'm in love and I have to let him know. I'm so close I can smell the familiar fragrance of his aftershave. It's one I chose for him so long ago and it makes me happy to know he still wears it, that there is still a remnant of me in his life.

I touch my hand to his shoulder. It feels warm and strong and I recall resting my head against it so many times. I say his name and it feels strangely wonderful in my mouth again after so long.

He turns and looks at me. The blue in his eyes is brighter than I ever remember and his gaze sears into my flesh. His lips mouth my name but there is no sound. His eyes are wide and unbelieving as we simply stare at each other. I see confusion in his gaze, amazement and, I hope, love.

After all my preparations the time has arrived and I hesitate, but only for a second, I might not have known who I was back then but I do now, and more than that I know what I want.

As my mouth touches his I feel my whole body tingle. I want him more than anything or anyone in my life and I'm finally not afraid to show him, to show everyone. I move closer as the pressure of my kiss increases. He's kissing me back now and I can feel how much he wants it, how much he wants me.

Suddenly he's pushing me away, holding his hands in front of him so that I can't claim him back.

"What are you doing?" It's the first words he's spoken to me and I let the sound of his voice wrap around me warmly before I answer.

"What you asked me to do eighteen months ago," I tell him, "I love you John Paul."

He's shaking his head and his eyes seem sad. This isn't the reaction I was expecting and I feel very unsure of myself.

"It's too late," he says quietly.

As he speaks he turns from me slightly and slips his arm around a dark haired man who is approaching us. The man pulls John Paul closely to him with a smile and I feel sick.

I hadn't even considered the possibility that he had moved on. It never crossed my mind that there would be someone else. I'd spent so long working out how to prove to him that I was ready that I didn't leave myself time to think about anything else. No one had told me he had someone, but why would they? No one knew of my plans.

He's looking at me with regret but he still holds tightly to that other man, that man standing in my place.

I think I say that I'm sorry; I know I stammer something as I walk away as quickly as I can without running.

Before I close the door behind me I take one last look at him. He's kissing that man now. Holding him like he used to hold me and I know that I really am too late.

My bed feels cold as I lie on it. I feel cold. All the warmth has been sapped from me and I don't know if I will ever feel it again.

My gaze lands on the photograph that I placed beside my bed earlier that day. It was taken so long ago and it reminds me of the time I was happy, the time we were happy before everything fell apart.

I throw the picture at the wall and the glass shatters into a million shimmering pieces on the carpet. For a moment I am tempted to get one of those pieces and feels its sting. Anything would be better than the pain I feel right now.

Eighteen months ago I wasn't strong enough to keep John Paul.

Now I have to decide if I'm strong enough to fight for him.

I don't know how long I lie staring at the ceiling running over and over in my head all those what ifs. What if I'd never met him, what if I'd never fallen for him, what if I'd made myself kiss him when he asked, what if I'd come home sooner?

I sigh deeply as I already know the answer to each of those questions. If I'd never met him my life would have been far emptier, if I'd never fallen for him my heart would have felt colder, if I'd made myself kiss him at the airport it would have been a lie that we would have carried to Dublin and if I'd come home sooner I still wouldn't have been ready.

I have to decide now what I do next. Do I sit here in my room mourning what I have lost or do I get back down there and hope I can remind him of what we had, of what we could have again.

I don't know how long he's been with that other guy and I don't much care. In my heart John Paul McQueen will always be mine and nothing or no one will take him from me, not without a fight.

I scrub my hands through my hair and take a few steadying breaths before I head back down. It's a busy night and I figure that if I work behind the bar I can be there as a constant reminder to him.

My mum smiles at me as I get to the bottom of the stairs.

"Alright love?" I know she's happy to have me home again and I hug her lightly.

"Why didn't you say that John Paul was seeing someone?" I try to keep the question casual but I don't think I manage to.

She shrugs. "I thought that maybe you'd…" She doesn't have to finish that sentence, I know what she had been thinking, what she had been hoping.

"It wasn't just a phase mum," I tell her, "I still love him."

"I'm sorry love, I just thought..."

"I know," I say with understanding, and I do understand. She had hoped that her "normal" straight son had come back from Ireland. Someday she will have to realise that he doesn't exist anymore.

Back in the bar the noise has increased along with the volume of the customers and it takes me a while to spot him again. He's sat at a table in the corner with his new boyfriend and I try not to notice how their fingers are entwined on the tabletop or how they are smiling at each other in that secret way that lovers have.

He gets to his feet and my heart leaps as I think he is about to leave but instead he is approaching me, well approaching the bar but I rush forward to be the one to serve him.

"Another?" I ask casually.

"Err yeah, two bottles of lager please," his tone is a little uncomfortable and for some reason that makes me glad.

"He seems nice," I say nodding towards his boyfriend.

John Paul smiles as he looks around, as smile that cuts into me but I try not to let it show. "Yeah he is."

"I'm sorry about before," it's taking all my strength not to cry, not to grab him and hold him. He shrugs off my apology as if what I had done is already forgotten. "So, does he have a name?" I don't really want to know, I don't want to see him as a real person but I can't think of anything else to say and I need to keep John Paul here with me for as long as I can.

"Yeah, he's called Alan."

I've always hated the name Alan, well when I say always I mean at least since 20 seconds ago.

"Err Craig." John Paul is looking intently at me and it makes my stomach flutter.

"Yes John Paul?"

"The drinks?"

I sigh to myself as I get the two bottles and place them on the bar. He smiles as he hand over the money and turns to leave. He paused for a second and looks back at me.

His blue eyes stare directly into my soul and for a moment we are connected again.

"It's good to see you." A simple statement but it makes me want to weep.

"You too," I reply with a crack in my voice. And then he's gone from me, gone back to the man who has replaced me.

The night gets busier and I find it harder and harder to keep watch on John Paul. After a few hours I look towards his table to find it empty. He had left and I never even noticed. I realise that winning him back isn't going to be easy. It might not even be something that I can do but I have to try. You don't find the kind of love we had every day and I don't intend to let it slip away without a fight.

I don't know where the idea came from. I don't know why I decided to do it or how he would react but before I could change my mind I was in the shop handing over the address of where I wanted my present sending.

The shop assistant didn't bat an eye that I was sending such a thing to another man and her relaxed attitude made me wonder if perhaps this wasn't as unusual as I had assumed.

"What do you want on the card?" She asked me and I stopped dead. I hadn't thought of that, what could I write that would say everything I wanted it to? Simply putting I love you or I miss you wasn't enough. I had to make him think, I had to make him care.

"D'you need a minute to decide?" I nod with gratitude.

"Could you write it out for me?" I ask suddenly. For some reason I don't want the card in my handwriting. I want him to wonder, at least for a while.

She smiles and agrees as it's hardly the first time she has had such a request. She hands me a piece of paper to write on it what I want to say and then she leave me to think as she serves another customer.

I run so many things over and over in my head as I try to choose the right words, the words that say what I feel, the words that let him know I haven't forgotten him, that I will never forget him… not for a second.

From nowhere a gently melody begins to play in my head and I smile. It's an old song that I have heard so many times over the past months. A friend at Trinity has played the CD so often that I can remember every word of every track. I remember the first time I heard the line that now echoes in my mind, how it gripped me, how I felt that is said so much more than the words, it meant so much more. And it would make him stop and wonder, it would make him have to search out their meaning for himself and hopefully he would get the same significance in them that I always had.

I scribbled the words on the paper and handed it back to the shop assistant. She raises an eyebrow as she reads it but copies the text onto the card and slips it inside the envelope.

After being assured that my gift would be delivered within the next couple of hours I return home to wait.

I lay back on my bed holding the picture of the two of us against my heart. I had cleared away the broken glass and thankfully the photograph had survived with only minor damage. His beauty was unmarked and his deep blue eyes still looked out at me with intensity.

I close my eyes and try to imagine how he will react when my gift arrives. I can picture the puzzled look in his eyes as he opens the box to reveal a single red rose. I can see the frown on his face as he reads my message "J'entend ton Coeur". I wonder what he will do then. Will he know it's from me? Will he assume it's from Alan and call him, part of me hopes that he does, that without realising it John Paul will let Alan know he's got competition. Will he look up the meaning of the words? Will he understand what I am trying to tell him? But more importantly will he care?

I didn't know that I had fallen asleep until the beeping of my phone on the bedside cabinet rouses me. I am still groggy when I reach for it and it takes a moment to focus on the screen. A text message has arrived. I hold my breath as I read the name. After eighteen month I have received my first text from him. My hand trembles as I press read. I am almost afraid to know what he has to say. Will he tell me that he loves me or will he tell me to leave him alone?

The screen is illuminated brightly as I access his message.

"Meet me. By the fountain in the village. Now."

I don't know what to make of that message. I remember when he used to end his texts with kisses and with "I love you". But those were messages from another lifetime, we aren't those people anymore and I can't help but wonder if that's a good thing or not.

He wants to see me. I have to smile at that, I have to hope it's because he still has feelings for me, I have to pray that it isn't so he can tell me to stay away.

I slip on my jacket and head into the village. My heart is racing as I approach the fountain and I see that he is already there. I stop for a second to look at him. He doesn't know I'm there yet and his head hangs down as he turns a piece of card over and over in his hands. I can't see his face from this angle and I don't know if he is smiling or angry. I feel afraid to approach and I almost turn and run.

He seems to know that I'm there because he turns at looks at me. His eyes are dark and they cut into me. He doesn't greet me with a smile and I feel lost. I know with a terrible certainty that he doesn't want me anymore and I can feel my heart breaking as I move to sit beside him. I brace myself for our final goodbye and wait for him to speak.

He holds out the card to me, it's the one that I sent with the rose. There is pain and confusion in his eyes as he says one word.

"Why?"


	2. Chapter 2

I take the card from him, I don't know why, I don't want it but he's holding it out to me so I take it. It's crumpled as if it had been thrown into the rubbish and then fished out.

He's still looking at me and I feel unable to meet his gaze. His question hangs in the air between us as I run my thumb over the words on the card in my hand. I don't know what to say anymore, how to make things right, how to make him love me again.

I risk stealing a glimpse at his eyes and what I see there surprises me. The darkness is gone, replaced by the familiar startling blue that always made me weak at the knees, just as it is doing now. His eyes are glistening and I realise why as he blinks slowly and a single tear falls over his perfectly smooth cheek.

I have the urge to reach out and brush that tear away but I can't. It's like he's built a wall around himself and I no longer have the right to pass through. I no longer have the right to touch him.

I can see that he's hurting and I hate that I have caused it but I know I can stop the pain if only he would let me.

"I thought you were gone forever," his voice is a low whisper as he roughly wipes the tear from his face, "I thought we were finished… it took so long but I moved on… why come back? Why now?"

I want to hold him now more than ever. I want to hold him and kiss him and tell him that I love him but I know that's not enough. How many times in the past did I do those things? How many times did I say that I loved him and made promises to him that I couldn't keep? He deserves so much better and I wonder if I've done the wrong thing in returning. Would it have been better to have left him alone to carry on without me?

I know that I still haven't answered him, I haven't spoken since I sat down but all the words I had rehearsed on my way over seemed to be stuck in my throat.

"Craig why are you here?"

Hearing my name on his lips again tears at my heart. It always sounded so beautiful when he said it because he said it with such love but now my name sounds hard and cold like he's spitting it from his mouth.

"I wanted to see you." I don't know why I say that. It's a lie or if not a lie it's at least only a half-truth.

"Why now? Did you wait until I got my life back together?"

He's pleading with me for some kind of understanding and I don't know that I can give it. Then I wonder if he thinks that I knew about Alan, is it possible that he thinks I deliberately came back to spoil things for him?

Why can't I speak? Why can't I just grab him and tell him all the things that I've wanted to say for the last year and a half? Why can't he see the truth in my eyes as easily as I can see the pain in his?

"I didn't…" I try to get the words out but they stubbornly refuse to come.

"I'm with Alan now," his tone is firm like he's made up his mind, "You're too late Craig, we can't go back… not anymore… too much has happened."

"Do you love him?" I don't mean to ask that question and I'm afraid to know what the answer will be.

"You've got no right to ask me that."

I know that I have no right, but I ask it all the same. "Do you?"

He closes his eyes and I don't know if it is to block out the sight of me or to recall the face of his boyfriend.

"Don't do this Craig… please." I can see fresh tears escaping from beneath his closed eyelids and each teardrop causes me pain.

"Tell me that you love him and I'll walk away… tell me that you don't care about me anymore, let me know that I don't have anything to hold on to."

He turns his eyes to me and they are heavy with unshed tears.

"I can't."

He says it so quietly that I hardly hear but at the same time it sounds like the most beautiful song ever composed. How can two words change everything so completely?

"I'm so sorry for everything John Paul," I say softly taking his hand. It's the first time I've touched him since sitting down and I'm surprised by how much he is trembling. "I know that I've hurt you in the past… I've let you down… but I know who I am now… I've stopped being afraid, please just give me a chance to prove it."

"I don't know…" His fingers curl tightly around mine like he's desperately trying to hold on to my words, to make them real.

"I love you." I've said that to him so many times but I've never meant it as much as I do at that moment. I would do anything he asked just to be able to hold him again, I would gladly sell my soul to be able to see him smile.

"But what if…" I can see he's fighting with the confusion inside him and I understand. I'd been planning my return to Hollyoaks for so long, I had time to be certain of what I felt, of what I wanted, but my arrival was a complete surprise to him and I knew that I had to let him have time to think. I needed him to be certain that he still wanted me because this time it had to be for keeps.

I get to my feel and pull him up after me. I slip my arms around his waist and hold him close, resting my head on his shoulder and breathing in deeply the scent of him. He returns my embrace pulling me tightly into his arms. He's still trembling as I press my lips into the warmth of his neck.

"I love you so much," I whisper into his ear.

I know that I have to let go but in truth I want to hold onto him for the rest of my life. I want to keep him safe from the world and protect him from anything that might ever hurt him again.

I force myself to step back, dropping my arms from around him. I see the card still in my grip.

I touch my hand to his chest and I can feel his heart racing beneath it.

"J'entend ton coeur," I say to him.

He takes my hand and kisses softly at my fingertips. "I can always hear your heart," he says with a smile and the warmth of his smile wraps comfortingly around me.

I have to make myself walk away now when all I want to do his hold him and kiss him.

I touch my hand to his cheek, it's still damp from his tears and without realising what I'm doing I press my lips softly against his mouth.

He tries to pull me into a deeper kiss but I resist, it takes every ounce of strength that I have but I know I have to do the right thing. We've acted on instinct too often in the past with disastrous consequences and I won't let that happen again.

"Call me when you're ready," I tell him as I start to walk away. "I'll wait a lifetime if I have to John Paul… as long as you call."

"I'm not sure…" his voice is shaking with the threat of more tears, "I still love you but…"

"Be sure," I tell him, "be sure and then call me… I'll never let you down again."

Walking away hurts so much and I wonder if it hurt him this much the day he left me at the airport. I have to turn around for one last look and he's still stood there. His arms are wrapped around himself as he watches me leave.

I take a deep breath and walk on hoping that it won't be too long before he calls.

The day seems to drag. I offer to work in the pub in an attempt to keep my mind off him but it doesn't help. Every time the door opens I look up in the hope that he's come to see me and every time I'm disappointed. My phone is jammed deep into the pocket of my jeans so that I don't miss the call when it comes. IF it comes.

I'm holding a case of mixers when I feel the vibration in my pocket and the shock makes me drop them. The bottles clatter loudly to the floor but thankfully they don't break. I mouth an apology to Jack as I pull my phone from its hiding place.

My hands are shaking as I access my messages but my heart soon sinks when I discover that it isn't from him.

It's not that I'm not happy to hear from Niall. He's been a good friend to me in Dublin, the best I've got over there and it was Niall who encouraged me to try and win John Paul back. But his timing could have been better.

I press read and the screen lights up with his message.

"Hey mate. How's it going? You swept JP off his feet yet?"

I can't help but smile. Had I really been that confident when I left Dublin? Had I been that certain that John Paul would welcome me back without question, without hesitation?

I quickly key in my reply and hit send.

"He's met someone else. But he still loves me. Not given up."

Niall's reply arrives swiftly. "You'll win him back. How can he resist. Praying for you mate."

I send my thanks to him and push the phone back into my pocket. Where IS John Paul, what's taking him so long. Looking at my watch I realise it's only been two hours since I saw him. I really was going to have to learn to be patient. After all, I told myself, he's worth the wait.

Eventually the hustle and bustle of the pub distracts me, so much so that I don't even notice when John Paul arrives. I'm serving a customer when Jack nudges me out of the way offering to take over. I look at him quizzically until he nods towards the other end of the bar.

My heart leaps in my chest when I see John Paul there. He's turning a beer mat over and over in his hands, he isn't looking at me and I can't help but fear the worst.

I approach him with a smile and he still doesn't meet my gaze. My heart is racing now but I try to keep calm as I ask him to come to the flat with me where we can talk.

When we get upstairs I put the kettle on and start to make tea. I don't want a drink and I haven't even asked if he does but I need something to do. I need a reason not to look at him because I can't stand to see him avoiding my gaze again; I have to hold on to the hope that he's here to tell me he still wants me, at least for a few more minutes.

"Do you still drink it the same?" I ask with forced cheerfulness as I drop the teabags into the cups.

"Craig." John Paul's hand covers mine halting my progress and I know what he's about to say with such certainty that I have the urge to turn and run just so I don't have to hear the words.

I finally turn to look at him. His eyes are wide and such a deep mysterious blue that I feel as if I'm falling into them. I'm falling and I don't know if I will ever be able to stop, I don't know if I want to stop.

John Paul's hand is still tight around mine and I can see that he is struggling to find the words that I don't want to hear.

"John Paul please…" I don't know if I'm pleading with him to hurt me quickly or to change his mind and give me another chance.

"I'm sorry Craig." I shake my head trying not to let his words get through but I can't stop them and they pierce my chest.

"Why?"

He lets go of my hand and I instantly mourn the loss, afraid that it might be the last time he ever touches me. He turns his back on me and I can see his hands moving over his face.

"I can't take the chance." John Paul's voice is low and confused but I understand what he's saying. He can't take the chance on ME.

"But things are different now," I say trying to convince him, "I'm different… just let me show you."

"I waited for two years Craig, where were you?"

"Eighteen months," I correct as if that matters.

John Paul laughs but there is no joy in the sound. "Two years, eighteen months, six months, what difference does it make? All that time and nothing… no call, no letter, no text… you can't just walk back now and expect me to be waiting… it's too late."

"I wasn't ready then," I try to explain, "I had to wait, I had to be sure that I could be the person I am, the person you wanted me to be… and I am now, I can be… all I need it to be able to prove it to you."

He faces me again and I can see the pain in his eyes. "Too many times Craig," he says sadly, "too many promises… with Alan it's…"

He doesn't seem to be able to find the words to finish so I finish for him. "Safe." I try to hide the bitterness in my voice but I know John Paul can hear it, he knows me too well.

"Sometimes safe can be good," he replies, "Alan is kind and loving and he cares about me… he'd never hurt me."

"And what about passion John Paul? What about love, desire? What about the truth?"

"I'm sorry." I know he's about to leave and I don't know how to stop him. For eighteen months I've been dreaming about the day I would return to Hollyoaks and win back the only person I've every really loved. For eighteen months I'd held the hope close to my heart that we will be together again. And now, with every second, I can see the dream dying and I am powerless to save it.

I touch my hand to John Paul's arm, it's trembling under my touch and I grip it tightly.

"I love you." There's nothing else I can say and I know that isn't enough. I let my hand fall as I prepare to see John Paul walk out of my life again.

His kiss is so sudden that it chases the air from my lungs as he pins me against the wall.

His mouth is hot and desperate and he kisses me with a passion that I recognise all too well. A passion born of being apart for so long. I return his kiss deeply, savouring the curve of his muscles as I run my hands over his arms before grabbing his buttocks and pulling him hard against me. I need him so much that every inch of my body aches with longing.

John Paul's mouth travels to my neck, his teeth bite deeply into the flesh and my body shivers with the mixture of pleasure and pain. I feel as if he is trying to devour me and I am a more than willing victim.

"I'm sorry, I can't." John Paul's words are whispered in my ear and then he pulls away from me.

"I love you." I say it again but this time he keeps moving back.

"I'm sorry," he repeats, "But it isn't enough."

John Paul turns and runs from the room and, as the door closes behind him, I sink to the floor. I don't think I have ever felt so alone in my life, not even when he left me at the airport because this time he has taken all of my hope with him.

The tears run over my cheeks. I can still feel the pressure of his mouth against mine. I can still taste his skin on my lips and I can still smell his fragrance in my nostrils.

"I love you," I whisper to the empty room but it isn't enough. It was never enough.


	3. Chapter 3

I spend the next three days in my room. Where else is there for me to be, what else is there for me to do? I came home to be with John Paul and now that has been taken from me I feel like I have nothing left to make any effort for.

Despite being in the same village as him I have never felt further away from John Paul before. Even when I was in Dublin he seemed closer because I had the hope of our reunion to keep him in my heart. Now he feels like he's a million miles away and I'm left behind completely empty.

The one thing that finally gets me out of the flat is my mother's unending sympathy. No matter how many times she tells me how sorry she is I can see the truth in her eyes. I can see the relief that I'm not back with John Paul and the sight makes me nauseous. I can't believe that she would rather see me suffer this way than have to face the "embarrassment" of her son's gay relationship. I can't believe that my pain is less important than what other people think. I have to get away from her before I say something I might regret.

The streets of Hollyoaks seem cold today even though the sun is shining brightly and I know that the chill is deep within me.

I somehow end up back at the fountain. I think every resident of the village has sat beside this fountain at one time in their lives. There is something comforting about the statue that stands tall and proud in its centre and one by one we all bring our problems to her. We offer up our hurt and our tears, our anger and our confusion and sometimes we come just to confess our love. She listens to us all in turn and never judges, never condemns and if you're lucky she shows you the way. But only if you're lucky and only if you listen really carefully.

I guess today I'm not one of the lucky ones. No matter how long I sit there staring at her I only get silence in return.

The cold stone bench is starting to numb my flesh and I know I should move but I have no idea where to go. I get to my feet and stretch out the muscles that have tensed from sitting still for so long. I look up at the statue one more time but she still has no words of wisdom for me.

As I begin to walk away from the fountain I see something that stops me dead in my tracks. I see John Paul walking past Il Gnosh. The sight of him after only a few days makes the sunshine that bit warmer and the pain in my chest that bit sharper.

I open my mouth to call out to him but I stop myself when I see Alan coming out of Drive n Buy. He slips an arm around John Paul's shoulders and kisses him. I want to scream, I want to run over and tear them apart, I want to stand where Alan is standing and claim John Paul's lips for myself. But I do none of those things I just stand and watch.

I don't know if he can feel me looking or if we still have that instinct between us that we once had but, as John Paul passes, he turns his head and looks directly at me. Our eyes lock for a split second and in that instant I know what it is that I have lost. A look of sadness clouds John Paul's eyes and then he looks away and carries on walking, Alan's arm still draped infuriatingly over his shoulders.

"Just look back once," I whisper to myself, "If you look back once it means you still want me."

As I watch him John Paul's footsteps seem to falter and he pauses to turn and look back at me, my heart races with my own fabricated logic that this means he still wants me.

He says something to Alan and the man kisses John Paul's cheek before continuing on his journey alone. John Paul stands watching him leave for a moment and then is walking over to the fountain. Walking over to me.

I don't move as he approaches. I don't think I even breath. I just watch as he gets closer and I can see the brightness shining in his eyes.

"Craig." He sounds a little awkward and I smile to let him know everything is OK.

"John Paul."

"You OK?"

"Fine." I wonder if he has any idea how much of a lie is contained in that one word.

"I was gonna come and see you later." John Paul is looking down at his feet as he speaks and I have the urge to stroke his face.

"You were?" I know I shouldn't get my hopes up but how can I not when he tells me that, when he sent Alan away?

John Paul's hand pushes into his trouser pocket. He grabs for my hand and places something in it, curling my fist around it.

"I thought I should give you this back."

I look down at my fist and see the watch that is resting in it. The back of the watch shines brightly and the engraved words catch the sunlight "Love Always."

I turn my eyes to him and I can see the pain in his gaze.

"No," I tell him trying to push the watch back at him, "I gave you this because I wanted you to have it."

"I can't Craig," John Paul replies sadly, "It doesn't feel right… it belongs to your family…"

"It belongs to you." I shove the watch into his jacket pocket and step back so that he can't return it to me.

"I'm sorry Craig," he says taking the watch from his pocket and laying it down on the bench, "Really I am."

John Paul looks at me for a few seconds and I can see in his eyes the promise of what we could have had if only I had been strong enough to fight for him sooner. He walks away and this time he doesn't stop and he doesn't look back.

I pick up the watch and turn it over in my hands. I almost smash it to the ground but something stops me and I slip it into my pocket.

I look up at the statue in the centre of the fountain and beg for her help. "What do I do now?"

I can hear the whisper of the breeze and the bubble of the water and then, ever so quietly under it all, I feel like I hear a voice. "Fight harder."

I sink my hands into the warmth of my pockets and curl my fingers around the watch as I head back to The Dog determined to fasten it around John Paul's wrist again.

You see the thing is I don't actually hate Alan. I don't wish him ill or harm. In fact he barely registers with me at all. He doesn't seem to be a terrible guy but he doesn't seem to be anything special either. He's just THERE, where I should be and of course I resent him for that. I suppose I almost understood what John Paul saw in Spike. He was confident when John Paul needed that kind of reassurance in his life and, if I'm being totally honest, I have to admit he's not that bad looking.

But Alan, he's just so… so ordinary. He's not special and John Paul deserves special, he deserves someone who will make magic for him, change the world for him, do anything just to make him smile and I really can't see Alan being a someone like that! Of course I'm not trying to say that I am special, but I would certainly do everything I could to make him happy, if he would let me.

And I can't say that it's Alan standing between John Paul and me because that's not the case.

I know what we had runs far deeper than anything John Paul feels for this intruder and if I can only convince him that we can have that again, that we can have better than before, well I know that John Paul will walk away from that other man.

In truth the only thing standing in the way of John Paul and me is John Paul. I can understand why he's still having trouble believing me, trusting me, after everything that I put him through in the past. After all the promises I made and couldn't keep, after all the times I forced him into being my guilty secret. Why should he be convinced that I've changed because of one kiss? Why should he trust that I wont go back to hiding in corners and worrying about what people think?

So I have to convince him. I have to make him believe that this time I mean what I say and I can do what I promise. But first I have to make him listen; I have to make him hear what I say... I have to do something big get his attention.

I have two things on the cabinet beside my bed now. One is the photograph of John Paul and the other is the watch. Two things to remind me what I'm fighting for – the man I love and the promise that that love is for always.

I can't help but laugh when the idea comes to me. It's ridiculous, impractical and so very un-me that there is no way I could pull it off. Why I even mention my idea to Steph is beyond me and before I know it she is putting my plan into force, organising everything down to the smallest detail. But there is one detail she can't organise. The whole thing hinges on John Paul being in the Dog and I don't know if or when that is going to happen again. Naturally Steph brushes this off as a minor point and, without having time to object, I find myself waiting poised for the next time that beautiful blue-eyed boy walks into the bar.

For five days I wait. Sometime I serve behind the bar, sometimes I clear tables and sometimes I just wait. For five days John Paul McQueen doesn't step a foot inside The Dog in the Pond and I begin to give up hope, maybe he is deliberately avoiding the place, avoiding me.

For five days there is nothing and then, without warning, without fanfare or announcement he's there. I'm behind the bar when I see him and I dive out of sight the instant I spot his face. I take a moment to hover behind the door like I had done when I first got home. I stand there long enough to see that John Paul isn't alone, he's with Alan and that makes me hesitate. Do I really want to do this in front of John Paul's boyfriend? And then I realise that maybe that's exactly what I do need to do. If I'm going to fight for him I need to fight every obstacle in my way.

Steph smiles at me with a excited grin and it does nothing to calm my nerves, just like her "pep talk" does nothing to take away the growing sense of nausea in my stomach. I wonder if it's not too late to back out when she leans into my ear and whispers "It's show time…" And I know, it's far too late to back out and I walk slowly back into the bar ready to humiliate myself in front of the man I love.

You wouldn't think I came from the same gene pool as Steph or Debbie, you wouldn't think that I was my mother's son. This was their world, not mine, and as I stood on the small raised "stage" area in the corner of the bar I had a new found respect for the women in my family.

I am still hidden in half shadows and I can see John Paul. He's sitting at a table with Alan and they look engrossed in their conversation. I worry for a moment that he won't even notice me.

And then it's too late to worry any more.

Behind the bar Steph flicks the light switch and a sudden brightness hits my eyes. I blink uncomfortably in it as I realise I can no longer see most of the bar.

Another flick of a switch and music begins. The cordless microphone feels slippery in my sweat-drenched hands and I take a deep breath.

A hush falls over the room at this unannounced entertainment and I miss the cue to begin. I'm not a natural singer and I don't even know if I can carry a tune, but this isn't about being good, it's about making the effort. It's about letting John Paul know that I will do just about anything to win him back.

Steph stops the music and resets it back to the start and this time I'm ready. I've got nothing to lose apart from my dignity and John Paul is worth that sacrifice.

Another deep breath and I am suddenly calm. I know my choice of song is unusual for me. I know it's not something that John Paul would normally choose to listen to. But I think it says everything that I want to tell him and I can only hope and pray that he's ready to listen.

I open my mouth slowly and the words start to pour out.

"Blue eyes, baby's got blue eyes, like a deep blue sea, on a blue blue day…"

As I sing I start to walk slowly forwards, moving out into the room as my confidence grows. I can feel all eyes following me but the only eyes I am interested in are the ones I'm singing about and as I approach I can see him staring at me in amazement.

"Blue eyes, holding back the tears, holding back the pain, baby's got blue eyes, and he's alone again…"

John Paul shakes his head in wonder and I can see the brightness of his blue eyes shimmering with amusement. I see a movement to one side and I think, or maybe I hope, that it's Alan leaving but I don't turn my head to check, I can't break away from the gaze that is holding mine so completely.

"Baby's got blue eyes, like a clear blue sky, watching over me. Blue eyes, I love blue eyes, when I'm by his side, where I long to be, I will see, blue eyes laughing in the sun, laughing in the rain, baby's got blue eyes, and I am home and I am home again."

As the music fades I hear a small ripple of amused applause but I pay no attention to it. The microphone is still close to my mouth as I speak.

"I love you John Paul… tell me what I have to do to convince you and I'll do it… tell me what I can do to win you back."

"Oh you've gotta give him a chance after making an idiot of himself like that," a voice behind me calls out and I raise my eyebrows to John Paul.

His smile is so wide as he looks at me and I can see he's laughing as he gets to his feet.

"Well?" I ask.

"Turn the microphone off," he whispers back to me.

I switch off the microphone and my voice returns to its normal volume.

"I can't believe you just did that," John Paul says still laughing.

"But did it do any good?" He's still smiling at me and that has to be a good sign. And his eyes, those amazing blue eyes, they have a look in them that I remember so well.

"You're crazy," he replies.

"I know," I tell him, "Being without you is driving me crazy… tell me I haven't just embarrassed myself for nothing."

Seeming to remember that he hadn't been alone John Paul turns his head to where Alan had been sitting.

"I think he's gone," I tell him.

"You're timing's pretty lousy Craig," he tells me and as he speaks he rests his hand on my arm.

"How d'you mean?"

"Well here I am breaking up with Alan and suddenly some other guy is singing me a love song…"

"You were breaking up with him...?"

John Paul takes a step towards me; his hand skims over my arm until it rests on my shoulder.

"I tried to convince myself he was what I wanted," John Paul explains, "But I couldn't stop thinking about someone else… someone that I loved more than anything…"

"Me?"

"You!"

I smile and my heart feels ready to explode with happiness and then a realisation hits me.

"So I just made a complete fool of myself for no reason then?"

John Paul laughs harder and nods. "I was about to come and tell you that I still love you…"

I have to join in with his laughter, I'm far too happy not to and what is a bit of humiliation when you've just won back the love of your life?

"Craig? You do really mean it this time don't you? No more secrets… no more sneaking around… no more shame…"

I flick the microphone back on and turn to face the crowded bar.

"Ladies and gentlemen," I announced loudly, "Some of you know me and those who don't my name is Craig Dean and this gorgeous bloke beside me is John Paul McQueen and I just want to let you all know that I love him very much," I turn back to John Paul and he's smiling at me. "I love him with all my heart," I say before dropping the microphone onto a table and pulling him into my arms.

This time when we kiss he doesn't push me away. His arms circle me tightly and he holds me with all his strength.

There is another ripple of applause through the room but I pay it no attention as John Paul's mouth presses hotly against mine and I lose myself in his kiss.

John Paul is holding me so close that I can feel every curve of his body as his mouth kisses the life back into me, the life I don't have when I am anywhere but by his side. I can feel his tongue brushing against my lips and I part them pulling it into my mouth, the taste of him reawakening so many of my senses that it makes my head spin. I grip onto him tighter, trying desperately to get closer to him, to blend our bodies into one so that I never have to be away from him again. I can feel his chest heaving against mine and I know by the pressure of his groin that he is as aroused as I am.

"Get a room," Darren's voice laughs behind us and I break away from the overwhelming passion of John Paul's kiss with a start. I had totally forgotten where we were and I feel a flush rise to my cheeks as I realise what I might have done if Darren hadn't interrupted us.

As I look into the depths of John Paul's startlingly blue eyes I know that he is feeling everything that I am, I know that he wants me and that knowledge is the most exciting feeling in the world.

"I know you want to be more open about our relationship in the future," I whisper into John Paul's ear, "But d'you think maybe we ought to take this somewhere a bit more private now?"

John Paul simply nods and slips his hand into mine, allowing me to lead him from the centre of the pub and through the doorway to the flat.

I don't think I've ever climbed those stairs faster as the need for the privacy of my bedroom sends us both dashing up them two at a time, slamming the door behind us and reaching for each other again.

His clothes infuriate me as I tear at them, I'm sure I hear buttons scattering across the room but neither of us cares as I pull his shirt off over his head and press my mouth to his bare chest. His skin is warm beneath my lips and the scent of him fills my head. I swirl my tongue around one of his nipples and he moans softly, sinking his fingers into my hair as I bite him gently. I love the way his body responds to my every touch just as mine does to his. No one could ever turn me on so quickly or so completely and I know that I do the same to him. I can't imagine ever wanting anyone else this much and I wouldn't want to, he's all I need and I never intend to let him go again.

My hands fumble with his belt but it is unwilling to allow me access, the harder I try the more stubborn it seems to become until I am ready to scream in frustration.

The soft sound of John Paul's laugh breaks the building tension in the room.

"Shall I do that?" he asks with a giggle, "You don't seem to be having much luck."

I can feel the smile on my lips as I step back from him and he slips his belt buckle open with an ease that seemed to elude me. I pull my t-shirt over my head before moving back towards him, the feel of his naked chest against mine sends electricity through my skin and his hands claw at my back as our mouths collide again.

With the puzzle of his belt buckle solved I easy slip my hand into his jeans and behind the soft cotton of his boxers to locate the treasure I'd been waiting for.

John Paul moans loudly, pulling me closer to him as I run my hand softly over the length of his cock. His head falls back to rest against the door as I continue to caress him, circling my thumb over the head of his cock as it throbs heavily in my hand.

There was a time when I would have denied wanting to do such a thing with another man, a time when I could never have seen the pleasure in touching a man this way, in making him want me to completely. But then there was no other man like John Paul and certainly no other man that could make me feel the way he does.

I sink my teeth into the soft skin of his neck as I continue to stroke the firmness of his erection making him groan with a mixture of pleasure and pain and the sound makes me ache for him even more.

"I want you so much," I pant hotly into his ear.

He grabs my shoulders and pushes me back and for a second I think that he's changed his mind, but then I see the look in his eyes. The brilliant blue smoulders with such passion that I can feel myself melt under his gaze and I forget how to breathe, how to think, I forget everything but how desperately I want him.

John Paul's hands are still on my shoulders and we are continuing to move backwards, it's not until the back of my legs collide with my bed that my mind focuses enough to realise our destination and by then it's too late as I am overbalanced and topple gracelessly onto the mattress.

Under different circumstances this would have left us in fits of laughter but not right now. John Paul is already pulling my trousers from my body before I even manage to right myself on the bed and by the time I've made my way to the centre he has managed to strip himself and climbs next to me.

He approaches me on all fours like a wild animal stalking its prey and I am powerless to resist, not that I would have any intentions of doing so.

I lie motionless as he climbs up my body, stopping with his knees on either side of my hips and his hands pressing down on my shoulders, pinning me against the softness of the mattress beneath me.

"Tell me you love me," John Paul says burning his gaze into my eyes. It's not a request but a demand and I gladly comply.

"I do," I tell him reaching up to touch his face, "I love you… more than… more than anything…"

My answer seems to satisfy him and he lowers himself to me, pressing his mouth hard against mine as I wrap myself around his body. I can feel John Paul's solid cock pressing into my belly, just as mine is straining towards him and I raise myself up, rocking slightly against the weight of him on top of me, causing a delicious friction between us that makes us both groan loudly.

"I want you to fuck me," John Paul says into my mouth. I don't think he's ever said that to me before and the sound of it is almost enough to make me come there and then.

Raising himself back to his knees John Paul looks down on me as he sits on his feet, his eyes are dark with lust, as I know mine must be as he runs a single finger down my chest and over my belly until it reaches my cock.

I gasp as his hand brushes over my desperate erection and I want him to take a hold of it but his hand just skims over its length and then strokes over my balls making me moan even more.

"I want you right now," John Paul growls and I don't know if he's talking to me or directly to my cock.

Spitting on his hand John Paul covers my cock with his saliva, covering its head slowly making me dig my fingers deep into the bed covers as his hand moves over me. He spreads his spit and my precum in slow deliberate circles until he can't wait any longer, and neither can I.

Lifting himself up slightly John Paul shuffles forward a few inches and then lowers back down. My cock slips between his buttock and he moves against it for a few strokes, letting it slide gently between them and brushing past the delicious opening nestled between.

Gripping my cock with one hand John Paul guides it into position and pushes his body against me. I remain motionless letting him decide the pace as he lowers his body down onto me. There is initial resistance but then his body submits to me and allows me entrance. The heat of his flesh slowly envelopes my cock as John Paul eases himself ever lower and I grip hold of his thighs breathing heavily as more and more of my cock is consumed by him until I am entirely within him and he is sat fully against my lap.

"God I'd forgotten how good you feel," I told him and I mean it. For eighteen months there had been no one else and now I know what I had been waiting for, now I know that it was worth the wait.

John Paul wraps his fingers into mine as he begins to rise against me, a slow steady pace that drives my cock deep into him before pulling out almost completely and then plunging back inside again. The feel of his body wrapped around my cock is pure perfection, his silky flesh caresses every inch of it and I have to hold myself back from coming too soon as I want this moment to last as long as possible.

John Paul leans forward to kiss me, pushing my hands above my head; his mouth is hot as he delves his tongue into me, tasting every inch of my mouth with a frantic hunger as he starts to ride me faster.

We are both panting heavily, sweat coating our brows as our bodies' race towards their final crescendos. I let go of one of his hands to reach between us and take a firm hold of his cock. It's harder than ever and it pulses enthusiastically in my grip and I stroke it, running my hand over its length, passing my thumb over its so sensitive head and making John Paul moan with pleasure as I match my hand with the speed and rhythm of my cock driving into him.

John Paul pulls himself upright again with an urgency and I lift my hips to meet his every descent. The sound of our flesh colliding fills the room, mingling with the ever-increasing sounds of our moans as we move faster. My cock is slamming hard into John Paul as he pushes himself forcefully onto it, crying out every time it hits that perfect spot, pleasuring him more and more until he can't resist the pleading of his own flesh.

Crying out my name and urging me to fuck him harder John Paul comes, his hot lust spatters over my hand and covers my belly as he throws his head back in ecstasy.

I can't hold back any longer, the sight and sound of his climax and the feel of his tight body contracting around my cock is more than any sane person can ignore and within seconds the sounds of my own orgasm are screaming into the room as my cock pumps its load deep into him again and again until I have nothing left to give.

John Paul collapses against my in exhaustion. Our bodies stick together with sweat and semen but neither of us care because we are together again.

Some time later, after we have caught our breath, cleaned ourselves up and climbed beneath the duvet John Paul is lying in my arms. I'd been dreaming of this moment for so long but the dream was a pale imitation of this wondrous reality and I know that I will never do anything to spoil things between us again. I know that I would do anything in my power to keep him by my side. I know that I love him more than my own life.

John Paul traces a soft finger over my skin and then kisses my chest gently.

"J'entend ton Coeur," he whispers to me.

"What does it say?" I ask him.

John Paul looks up at me with a deep smile and his eyes sparkle with a love I have never known before.

"It say's that you love me," he says gently.

"It's telling the truth," I reply stroking his soft cheek with my hand and leaning down to kiss him, "I do love you."

"I love you too," John Paul says as he leans his head back against my chest to listen to my heart beat for him again. It will only ever beat for him from now on.


End file.
